♪ (dramatic music) ♪♪ ♪ (upbeat happy music) ♪♪ (audience chattering) (birds chirping) (distant dog barking) (birds chirping) (birds chirping) (distant dog barking) (birds chirping) (geese honking) ♪ (playful music) (girls singing faintly) (skipping song) ♪♪ (men chattering) (crowd chattering faintly) Woman's voice: Hello, welcome.

Come on in.

Shallow: Parson Hugh, persuade me not; if he were 20 Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

Slender: Justice of the peace.

Shallow: Ay, cousin Slender.

Slender: And a gentleman born, Parson Hugh.

Evans: If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compromises between you.

Shallow: He has beaten my nephew, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.

The council shall hear it; it is a riot.

Evans: It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no fear of God in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of God, and not to hear a riot.

Shallow: Ha!

O' my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.

Evans: It is better that friends is the sword, and end it: and there is also another device in my brain, which peradventure brings good discretions with it.

There is Anne Page, which is daughter to George Page, which is pretty virginity.

Slender: Anne Page?

She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.

(audience laughing) Evans: It is that very person for all the world, as just as you will desire; and $70,000 of moneys, is her grandfather upon his death's-bed, God deliver to a joyful resurrections, give, when she is able to overtake 20 years old.

Now we put a good motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Abraham Slender and Anne Page.

Shallow: Did her grandfather leave her $70,000?

Evans: Ay, and her father is make her a better penny.

Shallow: I know the young gentlewoman; she has... Good gifts.

(audience laughing) Evans: $70,000 is good gifts.

Shallow: Well, let us see honest Mr.

Page.

(Falstaff laughing) Shallow: Is Falstaff there?

Evans: Shall I tell you a lie?

I do despise a liar, as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true.

The knight Sir John is there; and I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers.

(knocking on door) What, hoa!

God bless your house here!

Page: Who's there?

Ah!

Evans; Here is God's blessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.

Page: I am glad to see your worships well.

Shallow: Mr.

Page, I am glad to see you.

Page: I thank you for my venison, Justice Shallow.

Shallow: Much good do it your good heart!

I wished your venison better, it was ill killed.

But how doth good, Mrs.

Page?

And I thank you always with my heart, la, with my heart.

Page: Sir, I thank you.

Shallow: Sir, I thank you; by yay and no I do.

Page: I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

Slender: How does your greyhound, sir?

I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.

Page: Well, it could not be judged, sir.

Slender: You'll not confess, huh, you'll not confess.

Shallow: That he will not 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault.

'Tis a good dog.

Page: A cur, sir.

Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog.

Could there be more said?

He is good and fair.

(Falstaff laughing) Is Sir John Falstaff here?

Page: Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you and make you friends.

Evans: It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

Shallow: He hath wronged me, Mr.

Page.

Page: Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

Shallow: If it be confessed, it is not redressed.

Is not that so, Mr.

Page?

He hath wronged me, indeed he hath, at a word he hath.

Believe me: Robert Shallow esquire saith he is wronged.

Page: Here comes Sir John.

(audience applauding) Falstaff: Now, Justice Shallow, you'll complain of me to the crown?

Shallow: Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.

Falstaff: But not kissed your keeper's daughter!

(laughter) Shallow: Tut, a pin!

This shall be answered.

Falstaff: I will answer it straight: I have done all this.

That is now answered.

Shallow: The council shall know this.

Falstaff: The council?

You'll be laughed at!

Evans: Pauca, pauca, pauca verba, Sir John; good words.

Falstaff: Good words?

Good cabbage!

Master Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?

Slender: Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nim and Pistol.

They carried me to the tavern and made me drunk, and afterward picked my pocket.

All: Aw!

Bardolph: You Banbury cheese!

Slender: Ay, it is no matter.

Pistol: How now, Mephostophilus?

Slender: Ay, it is no matter.

Nim: Slice, I say!

Pauca, pauca: slice, that's my humor.

Sledner: Oh ha, where is Simple, my man?

Uncle, can you tell, Peter Simple?

Evans: Peace, peace, I pray you.

Falstaff: Pistol!

Pistol: He hears with ears.

Evans: What phrase is this?

He hears with ears!

Why, it is affectations.

Falstaff: Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

Slender: Ay, by this hand, did he, by this hand!

Falstaff: Is this true, Pistol?

Evans: No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

Pistol: Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!

Sir John and Master mine, Word of denial in thy labras here!

Word of denial!

Froth and scum, (sneezes) thou liest!

Slender: Well, by this hand, then, it was he.

Nim: Be advised, sir, and pass good humors or I will say marry trap with you, that is the very humor of it.

Slender: By my head, then he in the red nose had it.

For though I cannot remember everything I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

(audience laughing) Falstaff: What say you, Bardolph?

Bardolph: Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.

Evans: No no no, it is his five senses.

Fie, what the ignorance is!

Bardolph: And being slogged, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careers.

Slender: Ay, you spake in Latin then too.

But 'tis no matter.

I'll ne'er be drunk again whilst I live, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick.

If I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

Evans: So God judge me, that is a virtuous mind.

(audience laughing) Falstaff: Well Gentlemen; you hear all these matters denied, you hear it.

Mrs.

Page: George!

Men: Oooh!

Ahhh!

Page: Nay, daughter, carry the drinks within; we'll drink within.

Slender: O heaven, this is Anne Page.

Mrs. Ford: Yoo-hoo Meg!

Mrs.

Page: Alice!

Mr.

Page: How now Mrs. Ford!

Falstaff: Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ford, you are very well met: by your leave, good lady.

Mrs. Ford: No lady Sir, but my husband's name is Ford.

Mrs.

Page: Sir John, I'm glad you're enjoying your vittles.

Falstaff: Oh everything here is delicious.

Mr.

Page: Meg bid these gentlemen welcome.

Mrs Page: Come gentlemen, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner.

Mr.

Page: Come gentlemen.

I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.

Come come.

Slender: See I had rather than $50 I had my book of Songs and Sonnets here.

How now, (bell dinging) Peter Simple, Peter Simple.

Well where have you been?

I must wait on myself, must I?

You have not that Book of Riddles about you?

Simple: Book of Riddles?

Why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake?

Shallow: Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you.

A word with you, coz.

Marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Parson Hugh here.

Do you understand me?

Slender: Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable.

If it be so, I will do that that is reason.

Shallow: Nay, but understand me.

Slender: So I do, sir.

Give ear to his motions, Master Slender.

Nay, I will do as my Uncle Shallow says, simple though I stand here.

(audience laughing) Evans: But the question is concerning your marriage.

Shallow: Ay, there's the point, sir.

Marry, is it, the very point of it to Miss Anne Page.

Slender: Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.

Evans: But can you affection the woman?

Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth.

Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?

Shallow: Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

(audience laughing) Slender: I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.

Evans: Nay, God's lords and his ladies, you must speak possitable, if you can carry-her your desires towards her.

Shallow: That you must: will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

Slender: I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, Uncle, in any reason.

Shallow: Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.

What I do is to pleasure you, coz.

Can you love the maid?

Slender: I will marry her, sir, at your request.

(audience laughing) But if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt.

But if you say marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.

(audience laughing) Evans: It is a very discretion answer.

Save the fault is in the word dissolutely, the word is, according to our meaning, resolutely, his meaning is good.

Shallow: Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

Slender: Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

Shallow: Here's fair Miss Anne.

Would I were young for your sake, Miss Anne.

Anne Page: The dinner is on the table, my father desires your worships' company.

Shallow: I will wait on him, fair Miss Anne.

Evans: God's blessed will!

I will not be absence at the grace.

Anne: Will't please you to come in, sir?

No.

Slender: I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

Anne Page: The dinner attends you, sir.

Slender: I am not a-hungry, I thank you.

Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my uncle Shallow.

A justice of the peace may sometime be beholding to his friend for a man.

Anne Page: I may not go in without you sir: they will not sit till you come.

Slender: I'faith, I'll eat nothing.

I thank you as much as though I did.

Anne Page: I pray you, sir, walk in.

(audience laughing) Slender: I had rather walk here, I thank you.

I bruised my shin the other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since.

Page: Come, gentle Master Slender, come: we stay for you.

Slender: I'll eat nothing, sir, I thank you.

Page: By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir.

Come, come.

Slender; Nay, pray you, sir, lead the way.

Come on, sir.

Slender: Miss Anne, you go first.

Anne Page: Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.

Slender: Oh I will not go first; truly, la!

I will not do you that wrong.

Anne Page: I pray you, sir.

Slender: I had rather be unmannerly than troublesome.

You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

Page: He's great!

Anne Page: What?

Fenton.

(audience laughing) Evans: Miss Anne.

Anne: Parson Hughes, excuse me.

Evans: Go your ways, Peter Simple to Doctor Caius' house.

And there dwells one Miss Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.

Simple: Well, sir.

Evans: Give her this letter.

For it is a woman that altogether is acquainted with Miss Anne Page, and the letter is, to desire, and require Miss Quickly to solicit your young Master Slender's desires to Miss Anne Page.

I pray you, be gone; I will make an end of my dinner; there's apples and cheese to come.

(children singing) ♪ Oh a postman, a postman ♪ A postman, a postman ♪ A postman, a postman Simple: Miss Quickly.

(children singing) ♪ That way, this way, that way (girls shouting) (audience laughing) Hey, hey!

Falstaff: Mine hostess of the Garter.

Hostess: What says my bully rook?

Speak scholarly and wisely.

Falstaff: I lodge at $100 a week?

Hostess: Thou'rt an emperor Caesar, Kaiser and Vizier.

Falstaff: Truly, good mine hostess, I must turn away some of my followers.

Hostess: Discard, bully Hercules; cashier!

Let them wag; trot, trot.

I will employ Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap.

Said I well, bully Hector?

Falstaff: Do so, good mine hostess.

Hostess: I have spoke; let him follow.

Let me see thee froth and lime.

I am at a word; follow.

Falstaff: Follow her, Bardolph.

A tapster is a good trade: an old coat makes a new jacket; a withered servingman, a fresh tapster.

Go, adieu.

Bardolph: It is a life I have desired.

I will thrive.

Pistol: O thou base thirsty wight, wilt thou the spigot wield?

Nim: He was gotten in drink: is not the humor conceited?

Falstaff: I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.

His thefts were too open: his filching was like an unskillful singer, he kept not time.

Nim: The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest.

Pistol: Convey, the wise it call.

Steal?

Foh, a fico for the phrase!

Falstaff: Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

Pistol: Why, then, let blisters follow.

Falstaff: There is no remedy, I must live by my wits.

Which of you know Ford of this town?

Pistol: I ken the wight, he is of substance good.

Falstaff: Well my honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pistol: Two yards, and more.

(audience laughing) Falstaff: No quips now, Pistol.

Indeed I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift.

Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife.

I spy entertainment in her: she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation.

I can construe the action of her familiar style, and the hardest voice of her behavior to be Englished rightly is, I am Sir John Falstaff's.

Pistol: He hath studied her well, and translated her will out of honesty into English.

Falstaff: Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse.

Pistol: To her, boy, say I. Nim: The humor rises; it is good.

Falstaff: I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades.

Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

Pistol: Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

Nim: I thank thee for that humor.

Falstaff: O, she did so course o'er my exteriors, with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning glass.

She bears the purse too: she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.

They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both.

Go bear this letter to Mrs.

Page; and thou this to Mrs. Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

Pistol: Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become?

Then, Lucifer take all!

Nim: I will run no base humor.

Here, take the humor-letter, I will keep the havior of reputation.

Falstaff: Hold, sirrah, Robin, go you bear these letters titely; Sail like the wind to these golden shores.

Pistol/Nim: Ooohh!

Falstaff: Rogues, hence, avaunt!

Vanish like hailstones, go!

Trudge, plod away o'th' hoof; seek shelter, pack!

Falstaff will learn the humors of this age.

Pistol: Let vultures gripe thy guts!

You base British jerk!

Nim: I have operations in my head, which be humors of revenge.

Pistol: Wilt thou revenge?

Nim: By welkin and her star!

Pistol: With wit or steel?

Nim: With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love with Page.

Pistol: And I to Ford shall eke unfold how Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove, his gold will hold, and his soft couch defile.

Nim: My humor shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison, I will possess him with jealousy, for the revolt of mine is dangerous.

That is my true humor.

Pistol: Thou art the Mars of malcontents: I second thee, troop on.

♪ (light jazzy music) ♪ ♪ Postman, a postman ♪ ♪ A postman, a postman ♪ ♪ A postman, a postman ♪ ♪ Quickly: What, John Rugby!

I pray thee go to the window, and see if you can see my master, Doctor Caius, coming.

If he do, i'faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the Queen's English.

Rugby: I'll go watch.

Quickly: An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal: and I warrant you, no tell-tale.

His worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way, but nobody but has his fault, but let that pass.

Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Simple: Ay, for fault of a better.

Quickly: And Master Slender's your master?

Simpl: Ay, forsooth.

Quickly: O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

Yes, indeed, does he.

(audience laughing) Quickly: Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!

Tell Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master Slender.

But I promise you my master the doctor has a great affection'd mind for Anne himself.

And if he should know that I should as they say, give my verdict for anyone but himself, I should hear of it thoroughly.

For I tell you friend, he puts all his privates in me.

(objects rattling) Rugby: Out, alas!

Here comes Dr. Caius!

Quickly: We shall all be shent.

Run in here, good young man, go into this closet, he will not stay long.

What, John Rugby!

John, I say!

Go inquire for my master.

I doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.

(Quickly singing) Caius: Vat is you sing?

I do not like dese toys.

Pray you go and vetch me in my closet (speaking French) a box, a green-a-box.

Do intend vat I speak?

A green-a-box.

Quickly: Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.

I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

(singing in French) Quickly: Is it this, sir?

(singing in foreign language) Depeche, quickly.

Vere is dat knave Rugby?

Quickly: What, John Rugby!

John!

Rugby: Here, sir!

(Caius screams) Caius: You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby.

Come, take-a my rapier.

Come after my heel to the court.

Rugby: 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

Caius: By my trot, I tarry too long.

Salute!

(audience applauding) Od's me (speaking in foreign language) dere is some simples in my closet, dat I shall not for the warld I shall leave behind.

Quickly: Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!

Caius: Salute!

O diable, diable!

Vat is in my closet?

Villain, larron!

Rugby, my rapier!

Quickly: Good master, be content.

Wherefore shall I be content-a?

Quickly: The young man is an honest man.

Caius: What shall de honest man do in my closet?

Dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

Quickly: I beseech you, hear the truth of it.

He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

(audience laughing) Caius: Vell?

Simple: Ay, forsooth; to desire her to-- (Quickly sputtering) (Caius sputtering) Caius: Peace-a your tongue!

Speak-a your tale.

Simple: To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Miss Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.

Quickly: This is all, indeed, la!

Caius: Parson Hugh send-a you?

Rugby, baille me some paper.

Tarry you a little-a while.

Simple: Oh God what a furious man is this?

Quickly: Nay it is well he is no worse.

I am glad he is so quiet.

I will do you what good I can; and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master, I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, bake, brew, scour, make the beds and do all myself.

Simple: 'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.

Quickly: Are you advised o'that?

You shall find it a great charge, and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding to tell you in your ear, the doctor himself is in love with Miss Anne Page but-- Caius: You, Jack'nape: give-a this letter to Parson Hugh.

By gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de park, and I will teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or make.

You may be gone, it is not good you tarry here.

By gar, I will cut all his two stones.

By gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.

Simple: I will tell him, Sir.

Quickly: Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

It is no matter-a ver dat.

Do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself?

By gar, I vill kill de-priest; and I have appointed mine hostess of de Jarteer to measure our weapon.

By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

Quickly: Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well.

We must give folks leave to talk.

Caius: Rugby, come after my heel to the court.

By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I will turn your head out of my door.

Follow my heels, Rugby!

(audience applauding) Quickly: You shall have Anne, fool's head of your own.

No, I know Anne's mind for that.

Never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

Fenton: How now, good woman, how dost thou?

Quickly: The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

Fenton: What news?

How does pretty Miss Anne?

Quickly: In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.

Fenton: Shall I do any good, think you?

Shall I not lose my suit?

Quickly: Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book she loves you.

Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

Fenton: Yes, marry, that have I; what of that?

Quickly: Well, thereby hangs a tale.

We had an hour's talk of that wart.

(laughter) I shall never laugh but in that maid's company.

Fenton: Well, I shall see her tonight.

Here's money for you; let me have your voice in my behalf.

If you see her before me, commend me-- Quickly: Will I?

I'faith, that we will!

And I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time and of other wooers.

And-- Fenton: Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

Quickly: Farewell.

Truly an honest gentleman, but Anne loves him not.

For I know Anne's mind as well as another does.

Out upon't, what have I forgot?

♪ (happy jazzy music) ♪♪ (laughter) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ (hair dryer whooshing) Mistress Page: What?

Have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?

Pffft!

Let me see.

(audience laughing) "Ask me no reason why I love you.

"You are not young, (audience laughter) "no more am I: "go to, then, there's sympathy; "you are merry, so am I: ha, ha!

(audience laughter) "Then there's more sympathy: you love drink, "and so do I: "would you desire better sympathy?

"Let it suffice thee, Mrs.

Page, "at the least if the love of soldier can suffice, "that I love thee.

"I will not say, pity me; "'tis not a soldier-like phrase, but I say, love me.

"By me, thine own true knight, by day or night, "or any kind of light, with all his might, "for thee to fight.

"John Falstaff."

O!

Wicked, wicked world!

One that is well nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant?

What unweighed behavior has this flemish drunkard picked out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?

Why, he has not been three times in my company!

What should I say to him?

Why, I'll post a bill in parliament for the putting down of fat men.

(audience laughing) How shall I be revenged on him?

For revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

Miss Ford: Mrs.

Page, trust me, I was going to your house.

Miss Page: And, trust me, I was coming to you.

You look very ill. Miss Ford: Nay, I'll ne'er believe that.

I have to show to the contrary.

Miss Page: Faith, but you do, in my mind.

Miss Ford: Well, I do, then.

Yet I say I could show you to the contrary.

O Mrs.

Page, give me some counsel!

Miss Page: What's the matter, woman?

O, woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honor!

Miss Page: Hang the trifle, woman, take the honor!

What is it?

Dispense with trifles: what is it?

Miss Ford: If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.

Miss Page: What?

Thou liest!

Sir Alice Ford?

Miss Ford: Here, read, read: perceive how I might be knighted.

I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to see the difference of men's likeness.

And yet he, praised women's modesty, and spoke in such an orderly and well-behaved way, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone with the truth of his words.

But they do no more keep place together than the 100th psalm to the tune of "Green Sleeves."

What tempest threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor?

How shall I be revenged on him?

I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.

(laughter) Did you ever hear the like?

Miss Page: Letter for letter.

(audience laughing) But that the name of Page and Ford differs!

Here's the twin brother of thy letter.

But let thine inherit first, for I protest mine never shall.

I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second edition: he will print them, no doubt, for he cares not what he would put into the press when he would put us two.

I would rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion.

Well, I will find you 20 lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Miss Ford: Why, this is the very same, the very hand, the very words!

What does he think of us?

Miss Page: Nay, I know not.

For, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

Miss Ford: Boarding, call you it?

I'll be sure to keep him above deck.

Miss Page: So will I.

If he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again.

(retching sounds) (audience laughing) (both laughing) Let's be revenged on him.

Let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay.

Miss Ford: Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty.

O, that my husband saw this letter!

It would give eternal food to his jealousy.

Miss Page: Why, look there he is, and my good man too, he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.

Miss Ford: You are the happier woman.

Miss Page: Let's consult together against this greasy knight.

Come.

Ford: Well, I hope it be not so.

Pistol: Hope is a bob tail dog in some affairs.

Sir John affects thy wife.

Ford: Why, sir?

My wife is not young.

Pistol: He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, both young and old, one with another.

He loves to take potluck.

Ford, perpend.

Ford: Love my wife?

Pistol: With liver burning hot.

Prevent, O, odious is the name!

Ford: What name, sir?

Pistol: The horn, I say.

Farewell.

Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night.

Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.

Cuckoo, cuckoo!

Away, Sir Corporal Nim!

Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.

Ford: I will be patient; I will find out this.

Nim: And this is true; I like not the humor of lying.

He hath wronged me in some humors.

I should have borne the humored letter to her.

He loves your wife, there's the short and the long.

My name is Corporal Nim.

I speak and I swear 'tis true: Falstaff loves your wife.

Adew.

There's the humor of it.

Adew.

Page: The humor of it.

This fellow frights English out of its wits.

Ford: I will seek out Falstaff.

Page: I never heard such a drawling-affecting rogue.

Ford: 'Twas a good sensible fellow (screams).

Mrs Page: George, Georgie!

Page: How now, Meg?

Miss Page: Where you going today, George?

Miss Ford: How now, sweet Frank, why are you melancholy?

Ford: I melancholy?

I am not melancholy.

Get you home, go.

Miss Ford: Faith, you have some crotchets in your head.

Now, will you go, Mrs.

Page?

Miss Page: I'm with you.

You'll come to dinner, George?

Look who's coming: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.

Miss Ford: Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it.

Miss Page: You're going to see my daughter Anne?

Quickly: Ay, how does good Anne?

Miss Page: Come with us and see.

We'll have an hour's talk with you.

Page: How now, Frank?

Ford: You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

Page: Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

Ford: Do you think there is truth in them?

Page: Hang 'em!

I do not think the knight would offer it, but these that accuse him are some of his discarded men, very rogues, now they be out of his service.

Ford: Were they his men?

Page: Marry, were they.

Ford: I like it never the better for that.

Does he stay at the Garter?

Page: Ay, marry, does he.

If he intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him, and what he get out of her more than sharp words, let it lie on my head.

Ford: I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath to turn them together.

A man may be too confident.

I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

Page: Look where my ranting hostess of the Garter comes.

There is either liquor in her pate or money in her purse when she looks so merrily.

How now, mine hostess!

Hostess: How now, bully?

Thou'rt a gentleman.

Cavaliero Justice, I say!

Shallow: I follow, mine hostess, I follow.

Good morning, Mr.

Page, will you go with us?

We have sport in hand.

Hostess: Tell him, Cavaliero Justice; tell him, bully!

Shallow: Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

Ford: Good hostess o' the Garter, a word with you.

Hostess: What sayst thou, bully?

Shallow: Will you go with us to behold it?

My merry hostess has had the measuring of their weapons, and, I think, hath appointed them different places.

Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

Hostess; How thou any suit against my knight, my guest cavaliero?

None, I protest.

But I'll give you a bottle of good Scotch to give me recourse to Sir John, and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest.

Hostess: My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well?

And thy name shall be Brook.

He's a merry knight.

Will you go, myn-heers?

Shallow: We are with you, my hostess.

Page: I have heard that the Frenchman has good skill in his rapier.

Shallow: Tut, sir, I could have told you more.

In these times a master of fencing stands on distance, your poses, staccados and I know not what.

'Tis the heart, Mr.

Page; 'tis here, 'tis here.

I have seen the time, with my rapier I would have made four tall fellows skip like rats.

Ha ha!

Ha ha...Oooh!

Ah.

Hostess: Here, boys, here, here!

Shall we wag?

Page: I would rather hear them scold than fight.

You said two different places?

Ford: Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily.

She was in his company at Page's house, and what they made there, I know not.

Well, I will look further into it, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff.

If I find her honest, I lose not my labor.

If she be otherwise, it is labor well bestowed.

(women chattering) ♪ (light music) ♪♪ Falstaff: I will not lend thee a penny.

Pistol: I will repay the sum in service.

Falstaff: Not a penny.

Pistol: Why, then the world's mine oyster.

Falstaff: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your fellow Nim, else you had looked through the grate, like a pair of baboons.

I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows.

And when Missy Bridget lost her purse, I took't upon mine honor thou hadst it not.

Pistol: Didst not thou share?

Hadst thou not fifteen dollars?

Falstaff: Reason, you rogue, reason.

Thinkest thou I will endanger my soul gratis?

At a word: hang no more about me, Go, I am no gibbet for you.

You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!

You stand upon your honor!

Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honor precise.

Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on my left hand and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet, you rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, and your bold beating oaths, under the shelter of your honor!

You will not do it, you!

Pistol: I do relent: what would thou more of man?

Robin: Sir, Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Both: A woman?

Falstaff: Let her approach.

(grunting) (audience laughing) Quickly: Give your worship good morrow.

Falstaff: Good morrow, Mrs.?

Quickly: Not so, an't please your worship.

Good, Miss then.

Quickly: That I am, I'll be sworn, as my mother was the first hour I was born.

Falstaff: I do believe the swearer.

What with me?

Quickly: Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

Falstaff: Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing.

Quickly: There is one Mrs. Ford, sir, I pray come a little nearer this ways, I myself dwell with Doctor Caius.

Falstaff: Well, on; Mrs. Ford, you say-- Quickly: Your worship says very true.

I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.

Falstaff: I warrant thee, nobody hears.

Mine own people, mine own people.

Quickly: Is he so?

Well God bless him and make him his servant.

Falstaff: Well, Mrs. Ford, you say, what of her?

Quickly: Why, sir, she's a good creature.

Lord Lord, your worship's a wanton!

Well, God forgive you, and all of us, I pray.

Mrs. Ford, come, come Mrs. Ford.

Quickly: Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you have brought her into such a canary as 'tis wonderful.

The best courtier of them all could never have brought her to such a canary, yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, I warrant you, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, Evans: Pauca, pauca, pauca verba, Sir John; good words.

they could never get an eye-wink of her.

Falstaff: But what says she to me?

Be brief, my good she-Mercury.

Quickly: Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between 10 and 11.

Falstaff: 10 and 11?

Quickly: Ay, and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of.

Mr. Ford her husband, will be from home.

Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.

Falstaff: 10 and 11, commend me to her; I will not fail her.

Quickly: Why, you say well.

But I have another messenger for your worship.

Mrs.

Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife and she bade me tell you that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time.

I never knew a woman so dote upon a man, surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

Falstaff: Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.

Quickly: Blessings on your heart for't!

Falstaff: But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

Quickly: O God, no sir: that were a jest indeed!

They have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed!

But Mrs.

Page would desire you to send her your little Robin, of all loves: her husband has a marvelous infection for the little boy; and truly Mr.

Page is an honest man.

Never a wife leads a better life than she does.

You must send her little Robin; no remedy.

Falstaff: Why, I will.

Quickly: Nay, but do so, then, and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a pass word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness.

Old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

Falstaff: Commend meto them both.

Here's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.

Robin, go along with this woman.

This news distracts me.

Pistol: This punk is one of cupid's carriers.

She is my prize!

Falstaff: Say you so, old Jack?

Go thy ways; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done.

Will they yet look after thee?

Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer?

Good body, I thank thee.

(audience laughing) Let them say 'tis grossly done so it be fairly done, tis no matter.

Bardolph: Sir John, there's a Mr. Brook below who would speak with you, and be acquainted with you and hath brought your worship a morning's bottle of Scotch.

Falstaff: Brook is his name?

Bardolph: Ay, sir.

Falstaff: Call him in.

Such Brooks are welcome to me that all flow such liquor.

♪ Ah (audience laughing) ♪ Ah (audience laughing) Mrs. Ford and Mrs.

Page.

♪ Ah Have I encompassed you?

Go to, go to via via!

Ford: God bless you, sir!

And you, sir!

What with me?

Ford: I make so bold to press with so little preparation upon you.

Falstaff: You're welcome sir.

What's your will Sir?

Ford: Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook.

Falstaff: Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

Ford: Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge you, for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say; if money go before, all ways do lie open.

Falstaff: Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

Ford: Troth, and I have a case full of money here troubles me.

If you will help bear it, Sir John, take all.

Falstaff: What?

Ford: Well half, for easing me of the carriage.

Falstaff: Oh Master Brook, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

Ford: Well Good Sir, I will tell you, if you will give me hearing.

Falstaff; Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant.

Ford: Sir, I hear you are a scholar, so I will be brief and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted with you.

I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfections.

Falstaff: Very well, sir; proceed.

Ford: There is a gentlewoman in this town and her husband's name is Ford.

Falstaff: Ford?

Ford: Ford!

Both: Ford!

Both: F-F-Ford?

Falstaff: Very well, sir, proceed.

Ford: I have long loved her, and, I confess to you, bestowed much upon her, followed her with a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to meet her, looked for every slight occasion that could give me but sight of her: not only bought many present to give her, but have given largely to many, to know what she would have been given.

(audience laughing) Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all occasions.

But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, reward, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate.

Falstaff: Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

Ford: Never.

Falstaff: Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

Ford: Never.

Falstaff: Of what quality was your love, then?

Ford: It was like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.

Falstaff: To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

Ford: When I have told you that I have told you all.

Some say, that though she appear honest to me, in other circles she enlargeth her mirth so much so that there is a very shrewd construction made of her.

Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: now you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, of admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, courtlike and learned preparations.

Ha ha!

Believe it, for you know it.

There is money: spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife.

Use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.

Falstaff: Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that I should win what you would enjoy?

Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

Ford: O, understand my drift.

She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to be looked against.

Now, could I come to her with any proof in my hand, I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defenses.

What say you to't, Sir John?

Falstaff: I will first make bold with your money.

Next, give me your hand.

And last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Ford: O good sir!

Falstaff: I say you shall.

Ford: Want no money, Sir John, you shall want none.

Falstaff: Want no Mrs. Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none.

I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant, or go-between parted from me.

I say I shall be with her 'tweens the hour of 10 and 11, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth.

Come you to me at night and you shall know how I speed.

Ford: I am blessed in your acquaintance.

Do you know Ford, sir?

Falstaff: Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave.

I know him not.

Yet I wrong him to call him poor: for they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the which his wife seems to me very well-favored.

I will use her as the key to this cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's my harvest-home.

Ford: I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.

Falstaff: Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue!

I'll stare him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's head.

Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife.

Come you to me soon at night: Ford's a knave and a cuckold.

Come you to me soon at night.

Ford: Ah, haha haha... Aaaaah!

(audience laughter) Ford: What a damned epicurean rascal is this?

My heart is ready to crack with impatience.

Who says this is improvident jealousy?

My wife hath sent for him, the hour is fixed, the match is made: would any man have thought this?

You see the hell of having a false woman.

(audience laughing) My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong.

Terms, names!

Satan sounds well; Lucifer, well; Beelzebub, well; yet they are devils' names, the names of fiends.

But...cuckold?

Cuckold!

The devil himself hath not such a name!

Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous.

I would rather trust a Fleming with my butter.

Yeah!

Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, or an Irishman with my whiskey, than my wife with herself.

Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they will effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect.

God be praised for my jealousy!

10 o'clock the hour, I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff and laugh at Page.

I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late.

Fie, fie, fie!

Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

(audience applauding) ♪ (light music) (Caius imitates duck quacking) Caius: Jack Rugby!

Rugby: Yes Sir?

Caius: Vat is de clock, Jack?

Rugby: 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Parson Hugh promised to meet.

Caius: By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come.

He has pray his Pible well, dat he is no-come.

By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

Rugby: He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came.

Caius: By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him.

Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

Rugby: Alas, sir, I can't fence.

Caius: Villainy, take your rapier.

Rugby: No, no, no!

Forbear; here's company.

Hostess; Bless thee, bully Doctor!

Shallow: God save you, Doctor Caius.

Page: Now, good Doctor!

Friend: Bonjour.

Slender: 'Give you good morrow, sir.

Shallow: Aaaaahhh!

God save you, Doctor.

Caius: Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

Hostess; To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy reverse, thy distance.

Yah, yah yah yah yah!

Is he dead, my Hippocrates?

Is he dead, my Francois?

Is he dead, my urine sampler, is he dead?

Caius: By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de vorld: he is not show his face.

Hostess; Thou art the king of the urinal.

My boy!

Caius: I pray you, bear witness that me have stay, six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no-come.

Shallow: He is the wiser man, Mr.

Doctor: he is a curer of souls and you a curer of bodies.

If you should fight, you go against the grain of your professions.

Is it not true, Mr.

Page?

Page: Justice Shallow, you yourself have been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.

Shallow: Bodykins, Mr.

Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one.

Ah hah!

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Ow, ow!

Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Mr.

Page, we have some salt of our youth in us, we are the sons of women, Mr.

Page.

Page: 'Tis true, Justice Shallow.

Shallow: It shall be found so, Mr.

Page.

Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home.

I am sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Parson Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman.

You must come with me, Mr.

Doctor.

Hostess: Pardon, guest justice.

A word, Monsieur Makewater.

Caius: Makevater!

Vat is dat?

Makewater, in our English tongue, is valor, bully.

Caius: By gar, then, I have as much makevater as de Englishman.

Scurvy Jack-dog priest!

By gar, me vill cut his ears.

Hostess: And he will clapper-claw thee titely, bully.

Caius: Clapper-de-claw!

Vat is dat?

Hostess; That is, he will make thee amends.

Caius: By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for, by gar, me vill have it.

Hostess; And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

Caius: Me thank you for dat.

Hostess: And moreover, but first, Master guest and Mr.

Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.

Page: Parson Hugh is there, is he?

Hostess; He is there: see what humor he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields.

Will it do well?

Shallow: We will do it.

Page/Shallow/Slender: Adieu, good Doctor.

Caius: By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak love to Anne Page.

By gar, he is make of fool of me.

(sobbing) Hostess: Let him die.

Sheathe thy impatience.

Go about the fields with me through Frogmore.

I will bring thee where Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and you shalt woo her.

Said I well?

Caius: Me dank you vor dat; by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

Hostess: For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page.

Said I well?

Caius: By gar, 'tis good; vell said.

Hostess: Let us wag then.

Caius: Come after my heels, Jack Rugby.

(cows mooing) (audience applauding) Evans: ...Leadeth me beside the still waters, He restoreth my soul, He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; they rod and they staff they comfort me.

(heavy panting) Simple: (out of breath) I can't find him.

Whaaaaa!

(inhales deeply) (retching sound) Evans: I pray you now, I pray you now good master Slender's serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Monsieur Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physic?

Simple: Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, every way: old Windsor way, and every way but the town way!

I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.

Simple: I will, sir.

(cow mooing) Evans: Jeshu bless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and trembling of mind!

I will be glad if he have deceived me.

How melancholies I am!

(cow moos) I will knock his urinals about his knave's costard when I have good opportunities for the work.

(cow moos) (audience laughing) Bless my soul!

♪ To shallow rivers, to whose falls ♪ ♪ Melodious birds sings madrigals ♪ ♪ There will we make our beds of roses ♪ ♪ And a thousand fragrant posies ♪ Mercy on me!

I have a great dispositions to cry.

Shallow: How now, Parson Hugh!

Good morrow, good morrow.

Keep a gamester from the dice, and it is wonderful.

Slender: Ah, sweet Anne Page!

Page: God save you, Parson Hugh!

God Bless you from his mercy's sake, all of you!

What, the sword and the word?

Do you study them both, Parson Hugh?

Page: And youthful still in his shirt sleeves, this raw rheumatic day!

Evans: There is reasons and causes for it.

Page: Well we come to you to do a good office, Parson Hugh.

Evans: Very well: what is it?

Page: Yonder is a most respectable gentleman, who, perhaps, having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

Shallow: I have lived fourscore years and upwards; I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, less mindful of his own reputation.

Evans: What is he?

Page: I think you know him; Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

Evans: God's will, I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

Page: Why?

Evans: He has no more knowledge of Hippocrates and Galen, and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

Page: I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

Slender: O sweet Anne Page!

Shallow: It appears so by his weapons.

Caius: Diable!

Shallow: Here comes Doctor Caius.

Caius: Take your rapier!

Ha!

(cow moos) Evans: (screams) (commotion) (crowd cheering) Caius: (chuckling) (swords pinging) (Caius mocking) Caius: Haaaa!

Chaaaa!

Aaaahhhh!

Evans: Whaaa!

Ha ha haaaa!

Shallow: Keep them asunder.

Page: Nay, good parson, keep in your weapon.

Shallow: So do you, good Doctor.

(splat) (splat) (crowd shouting) Caius: I pray you, let-a me speak a word in your ear.

Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

Evans: Pray you, use your patience.

In good time!

Caius: By gar, you are de coward, de Jack-dog, John ape.

Evans: Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks to other men's humors.

Caius: Oohhh!

Evans: I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.

(splat) (splat) Crowd: Ooohhhh!

By Jeshu, I will knock your urinal about your knave's cogscomb.

Caius: Diable!

Diable!

Jack Rugby, mine hostess de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to kill him?

Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

Evans: As I am a Christians soul, now look you: this is the place appointed, I'll be judgment by mine hostess of the Garter.

Hostess; Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!

Caius: Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

Hostess: Peace, I say, hear mine hostess of the Garter.

Am I politic?

All: Yeah!

Hostess: Am I Machiavel?

All: Yeah!

Hostess: Am I a subtle?

All: No.

Hostess: Shall I lose my doctor?

No; he gives me the potions and the motions.

Shall I lose my priest, my parson?

No, he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.

Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so.

Give me thy hand, celestial; so... boys of art, I have deceived you both: I have directed you to wrong places.

(crowd cheering) Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let free beer be the issue.

Come, lay their swords to pawn.

Follow me, lads of peace.

Men: Follow, follow, follow!

Follow, follow, follow!

Follow, follow, follow!

(audience applauding) Caius: Ha, do I perceive dat?

Have you make-a de sot of us, ha?

Ha?

Evans: This is well, she has made us her laughing stock.

I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knock our brains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the hostess of the Garter.

Caius: By gar, with all my heart.

For she promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, she deceive me too.

Caius: Well, we will smite her noddles.

♪ (light music) (audience applauding) Miss Page: Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader.

Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?

Robin: I rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dog.

Miss Page: O, you are a flattering boy.

Ford: Well met, Mrs.

Page.

Whither go you?

Miss Page: Truly, sir, to see your wife.

Is she at home?

Ford: Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company.

I think, if your husbands were dead you two would marry.

Miss Page: Be sure of that, two other husbands.

Ford: Where had you this pretty weathercock?

Miss Page: I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.

Robin: Sir John Falstaff.

Ford: Sir John Falstaff?

Miss Page: He, he; I can never hit on's name.

There is such a friendship between my husband and he!

Is your wife at home indeed?

Ford: Indeed she is.

Miss Page: By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.

Robin: Have a great day Mr. Ford!

Miss Page: You git!

Ford: Has Page any brains?

Has he any eyes?

Has he any thinking?

Sure they sleep; he hath no use of them.

This boy will carry a letter 20 mile, as sure as a cannon will shoot point-blank 12 score.

He pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage.

And now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her.

A man may hear this shower sing in the wind: and Falstaff's boy with her!

Good plots they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together.

Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming Mrs.

Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbors shall cry aim.

(clock bells ring) The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall rather be praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there.

I will go.

Men: Follow, follow, follow!

Follow, follow, follow!

Follow, follow, follow!

Ford: Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home; and I pray you all go with me.

Shallow: I must excuse myself, Mr. Ford.

Slender: And so must I.

We have appointed to dine with Miss Anne Page, and I'll not break with her for more money than I'll speak of.

Shallow: We have lingered over a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

Slender: I hope I have your good will, father Page.

Page: You have, son Slender, I stand wholly for you.

Caius: Buggar!

Page: But my wife, Doctor, is for you altogether.

Caius: Ay, buggar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.

Hostess: What say you to young Master Fenton?

He dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he smells April and May, he will carry't.

Page: Not by my consent, I promise you.

The gentleman is of no having.

He kept company with the players.

He knows too much, no.

If he take her, let her take her simply: the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

Ford: I beseech you heartily, some of you go with me to dinner.

Besides cheer, you shall have sport: I will show you a monster.

Doctor, you shall go; and you, Parson Hugh, and you Mr.

Page.

Shallow: Well, fare you well.

Hostess: Farewell, my hearts.

I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink a draft with him.

Ford: I think I shall see him first!

And I'll make him dance!

Will you go, gentles?

All: Have with you to see this monster.

♪ (upbeat music) Little girl: Ha!

- Hey, gir-- ♪ (upbeat music) ♪♪ Miss Ford: John!

Robert!

Miss Page: Quickly, quickly, is the laundry basket ready?

Miss Ford: I warrant.

Miss Page: Come, come, come!

Miss Ford: Here, set it down.

Miss Page: We must be brief.

Miss Ford: As I told you before, John and Robert, be ready, and when I suddenly call you, come in and without any pause or staggering take this basket up.

That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it to the laundresses in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the rivers side.

Miss Page: You will do it?

Miss Ford: I ha' told them over and over; they lack no direction.

(laughter) Be gone, and come when you are called.

Robin: Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ford!

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mrs. Ford, and requests your company.

Miss Page: You little Jack-a-lantern, have you been true to us?

Ay, I'll be sworn.

Miss Page: Thou'rt a good boy.

I'll go hide me.

Miss Ford: Do so.

Robin, go tell thy master I am alone.

Alone.

Miss Page: Oh!

Miss Ford: Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpkin; we'll teach him.

(laughter) Mrs.

Page, remember you your cue.

Miss Page: I warrant thee; if I do not act it well, hiss me.

Miss Ford: Hiss!

(both giggling) (audience laughing) Falstaff: Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?

Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

Miss Ford: Ooooooh!

Sweet Sir John!

Falstaff: Mrs. Ford, I cannot fawn, I cannot prattle, Mrs. Ford; now let me sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead, I'll speak it before the best lord: I would make thee my lady.

Miss Ford: I your lady, Sir John?

Alas, I should make a pitiful lady.

Falstaff: Let the court of France show me such another!

Miss Ford: (screaming) Falstaff: (screaming) (audience laughing) I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Miss Ford: Aaahhh!

thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes a fine dress hat, an opera hat or the finest hat of Parisian society.

Miss Ford: A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else.

Falstaff: By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so.

Thou wouldst make an absolute countess, Miss Ford: Oh!

Falstaff: ...and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled evening dress.

Come, thou canst not hide it.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) Miss Ford: Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

Falstaff: What made me love thee?

Miss Ford: I don't know!

Falstaff: Let that persuade thee there's something extraordinary in thee.

Oh Mrs, Ford, I cannot say thou art this and that, like many of these lisping hawthorn buds, that come like women in men's apparel, I cannot and yet I love thee, and none but thee.

(audience laughing) (Miss Ford shrieking) Miss Ford: Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mrs.

Page.

Falstaff: Mrs.

Page?

Miss Ford: Mrs.

Page!

Falstaff: Mrs.

Page?

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk in a temperance house, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.

Miss Ford: Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day know it.

Falstaff: Mrs. Ford, I'm going to catch you.

I'm going to catch you.

No.

No.

Oh yes yes yes.

Keep that in mind, I deserve it.

Miss Ford: Nay, so you do.

♪ (saucy tango music) ♪♪ Robin: Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ford!

♪♪ Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ford, Mrs.

Page is at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and needs to speak with you presently.

Falstaff: Robin, get out, get out!

She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the curtain.

Miss Ford: Do so: she's a very tattling woman.

(Page panting) What's the matter?

How now?

Miss Page: O Mrs. Ford, what have you done?

You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone forever!

Miss Ford: What's the matter, good Mrs.

Page?

Miss Page: O well-a-day, Mrs. Ford, having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

Miss Ford: What cause of suspicion?

Miss Page: What cause of suspicion?

Out upon you: how am I mistook in you!

Miss Ford: Why, alas, what's the matter?

Miss Page: Your husband's coming hither, woman, with half the town, to search for a man he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence.

You are undone.

(loud clattering) (Falstaff grunting) Miss Ford: 'Tis not so, I hope.

Miss Page: Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here!

But it's most certain your husband is coming with half the town at his heels to search for such a one.

I've came before to tell you.

If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out.

Miss Ford: What shall I do?

There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril.

I had rather than a thousand dollars he were out of the house.

For shame, never stand you had rather and you had rather: your husband's here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance, in the house you cannot hide him.

O, how have you deceived me!

Look, here's a basket!

(audience laughing) If he be of any reasonable size, he may creep in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to the laundry.

Miss Ford: He's too big to go in there.

What shall I do?

Falstaff: Let me see't, let me see't, O, let me see't!

I'll in, I'll in.

Follow your friend's counsel, I'll in.

Miss Page: What, Sir John Falstaff!

(grunting) Is this your letter, knight?

Falstaff: I love thee and none but thee.

Help me away.

Let me creep into the basket.

I'll never love again.

Miss Page: Call your men, Mrs. Ford.

John, Robert!

Miss Ford: Go take these clothes here, quickly.

Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead; quickly, come.

(audience laughing) (clapping) Come come come!

Men: One, two, three.

(both grunting) (screaming in pain) Miss Ford: Tom, Gerry!

Carry this laundry to Datchet Mead.

Man: Ready?

One, two, three.

(all screaming) Ford: Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why, then make sport at me; let me be your jest, I deserve it.

(all screaming) (men screaming) (audience applauding) Whither bear you this?

Servant: To the laundress, Mr. Ford.

Miss Ford: What have you to do whither they bear it?

You were best meddle with buck washing.

Ford: Buck, I would I could wash myself of the buck!

Buck, buck, buck!

Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck.

And of the season too, it shall appear.

Gentlemen, I have dreamed.

(men screaming) I will tell you my dream.

(men screaming) All right, here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out.

I'll warrant you we will unkennel the fox.

Let me stop this way first.

Ha ha!

So, now escape.

Page: Good Mr. Ford, be content, you wrong yourself too much.

Ford: True, Mr.

Page.

Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon.

Follow me, gentlemen.

Page: Come, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Evans: By Jeshu, this is very fantastical humors and jealousies.

Caius: By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.

(both laughing) Miss Page: Is there not a double excellency in this?

Miss Ford: I know not what pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

Miss Page: What a state he must have been in when your husband asked what was in the basket!

Miss Ford: I am half afraid he will have need of washing: so throwing him into the water will do him good.

Miss Page: Hang him, dishonest rascal!

(clock cuckoos) (stomping, banging) (women laughing) Miss Ford: I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.

Miss Page: I will lay a plot to try that and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff.

Miss Ford: Shall we send Miss Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him with another punishment?

Miss Page: We will do it: let him be sent for tomorrow, at eight o'clock to make amends.

♪ (Rock song "Two Timing Tess" plays) ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Ford: I could not find him.

(audience laughter) Maybe the knave bragged of that he could not compass.

Miss Page: Heard you that?

Miss Ford: You use me well, Mr. Ford, do you?

Ford: Ay, I do so.

Miss Ford: Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

Ford: Amen!

Miss Page: You do yourself mighty wrong, Mr. Ford.

Ford: Ay, ay; I must bear it.

Evans: By Jeshu, if there be anybody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

Caius: Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.

Page: Fie, fie, Frank!

Are you not ashamed?

What devil suggested this imagination?

I would not have your distemper in this kind, for all the wealth in the world.

Ford: 'Tis my fault, Mr.

Page, I suffer for it.

Evans: You suffer for a bad conscience.

Your wife is as honest a woman's as I will desires among 5,000, and 500 too.

Caius: Baggur, I see 'tis an honest woman.

Whaaaaa!

Ford: Well, I promised you a dinner.

I pray you pardon me; I shall hereafter make known to you why I have done this.

Come, wife; Mrs Page: Ha!

Come, Mrs.

Page.

Mrs Page: Ha!

I pray you pardon me, pray heartily, pardon me.

(blows raspberry) (men laugh) Page: Let's go, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him.

I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a-birding together.

Shall it be so?

Ford: Anything.

Evans: If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

Caius: If there be one or two, I shall make-a turd.

(audience laughing) Both: (laughing) ♪ (upbeat music) (audience applauding) (seagulls in distance) (dogs barking) ♪ You're feckless and you're fickle ♪ ♪ You're in pickle after pickle ♪ ♪ You drive me 'round the bend and up the wall ♪ ♪ But I'll forget ♪ And I'll forgive you ♪ I'll live and I'll let live you ♪ ♪ See I know ♪ We're only human after all ♪ A date and you'll break it... Fenton: I see, I cannot get thy father's love.

Therefor, no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

Anne Page: Alas, how then?

Fenton: Why, you must decide yourself.

He says my state being gall'd with my expense I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

Besides this other bars hey lays before me.

My riots past, my wild societies.

And tells me tis a thing impossible I should love thee, but as a property.

Anne: Maybe he tells you true.

Fenton: No, god help me in my time to come.

Albeit I will confess, your father's wealth was the first motive that I wooed you, Anne.

Yet, wooing you, I found you of more value than bars of gold or sums in sealed bags and tis the very riches of yourself that now I aim at.

(laughter) Anne: Oh gentle Fenton.

Fenton: Ah!

Don't touch that.

(laughter) Anne: Yet seek my father's love, still seek it sir.

If persistence and humblest suit cannot attain it, why then.

Quickly: Anne!

Anne: Oh hark you hither.

Shallow: Break their talk, Miss Quickly.

My cousins' man shall speak for himself.

Shallow: I'll make a shaft or a bolt on it.

Slid, tis but venturing.

Shallow: Be not dismayed.

Slender: No, she shall not dismay me.

I care not for that but that I am afraid.

(laughter) Quickly: Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you.

Anne: Oh I come to him.

This is my father's choice.

Hi!

(laughter) Oh what a world of vile ill favored faults.

Looks handsome in 30,000 dollars a year.

Quickly: And how does good Master Fenton?

I pray you, a word with you.

Shallow: She's coming to her, coz.

Boy, thou hadst a father.

Slender: I had a father.

(laughter) Miss Anne, my uncle can tell you good jests of him.

Pray you, uncle, tell miss Anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen.

Good uncle.

Shallow: Miss Anne, my cousin loves ya.

Slender: Ay, that I do.

As well as I love any woman in the county.

(laughter) Shallow: He will maintain you like a lady.

Slender: That I will, as good as any in the township.

Shallow: He will make you a settlement of 15,000 dollars.

Anne: Good Justice Shallow, let him woo for himself.

Shallow: Marry I thank you for it.

I thank you for that good comfort.

She calls you, coz.

I'll leave ya.

Anne: Now, Mr.

Slender.

(laughter) Slender: Now, good Miss Anne.

Anne: What is your will?

Slender: My will?

Ods heartlings, that's a good jest indeed.

I never made my will yet, I thank god.

(audience laughter) I am not such a sickly creature, I give god praise.

Anne: I mean, Mr.

Slender, what would you with me?

Slender: Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you.

(audience laughter) But your father and my uncle hath made motions.

If it be my luck, so.

If not, happy man be his dole.

They can tell you how things go better than I can.

You may ask your father, here he comes.

Page: Now, gentle Master Slender, but love him.

Daughter Anne but... Why, how now?

What does Master Fenton here?

You wrong me sir, thus still to haunt my house.

I told you my daughter is disposed of.

Fenton: But Mr.

Page, be not impatient.

Miss Page: Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

Page: Yeah, yeah, she is no match for you, sir.

Fenton: Sir, will you hear me?

Page: No, good Master Fenton.

(laughs) Come, Justice Shallow.

Come son Slender, in.

(laughing) Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

Quickly: Speak to Mrs.

Page.

Fenton: Good, Mrs.

Page, for that I love your daughter in such a righteous fashion as I do, perforce, beyond all checks, rebukes, and manners.

I must advance the colors of my love and not retire.

Let me have your good will.

Anne: Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

Miss Page: I mean it not.

I seek you a better husband.

Quickly: That's my master, the doctor.

Anne: Alas, I had rather be set quick in the earth and bowled to death with turnips.

(laughter) Miss Page: Come, trouble not yourself, good Master Fenton.

I will not be your friend, nor enemy.

My daughter will I question how she loves you and as I find her, so am I affected.

Till then, farewell, sir.

She must go needs go in.

Her father will be angry.

Fenton: Farewell, gentle mistress.

Farewell, sweet Nan.

Quickly: This is my doing now.

Nay, said I, will you cast away your child on a fool and a physician?

Look on Master Fenton.

This is my doing.

Fenton: I thank you and I pray you, once tonight give my sweet Nan this ring.

There's for my thy pains.

Nya-ah.

Nya-ah.

(laughter) Sorry.

Quickly: Now heaven send thee good fortune.

A kind heart he hath.

A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart.

But yet, I would my master had Miss Anne or I would Master Slender had her or in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her.

I will do what I can for them all three, for so I have promised and I'll be as good as my word.

But speciously for Master Fenton.

Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff.

What a beast am I to slack it.

Eh, eh!

Hey hey, no, no, no.

(audienc applause) ♪♪ ♪ Woke up this morning ♪♪ ♪ in my socks and shoes... (sneezes) (rooster crows) (groaning) Falstaff: Bardolph, I say!

Bardolph: Here, sir.

Falstaff: Go fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast in it.

(sneezes) (audience laughter) Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow of butcher's offal and to be thrown into the Thames?

Well if I be served such another trick I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered and give them to a dog for a New Year's gift.

S'blood!

The rouges slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would of drowned a bitch's blind puppies.

Fifteen in a litter!

And you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking.

(audience laughter) If the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down.

I had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and shallow.

It's a death that I abhor.

For water swells a man.

(laughter) And what a thing should I have been had I been swelled?

I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Bardolph: Here's Miss Quickly to speak with you, sir.

Falstaff: Oh come, let me pour some wine into the Thames water for my belly's as cold as if I'd swallowed snowballs for pills to cool my kidneys.

(sneezes) (laughter) Call her in.

Bardolph: Come in, woman.

Miss Quickly: By your leave, cry you mercy.

Give your worship good morrow.

Falstaff: Take away these glasses and go pour me a gallon of beer.

Bardolph: With eggs, sir?

Falstaff: No, no eggs.

Simple of itself.

I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.

(laughter) How now?

Quickly: Merry.

I come to your worship from Mrs. Ford.

Falstaff: Mrs. Ford?

I've had ford enough.

I was thrown into the ford.

I have my belly full of ford.

Quickly: Alas the day, good heart.

That was not her fault.

It was her men.

They mistook their erection.

(audience laughter) Falstaff: So did I mine.

To build upon a foolish woman's promise.

Quickly: Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it.

Her husband goes this morning a-birding.

She desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine.

I must carry her word quickly.

She'll make you amends, I warrant you.

(groaning) Falstaff: I will visit, go tell her so and bid her think what a man is.

Let her consider his frailty and then judge of my merit.

Quickly: Well, I will tell her.

Falstaff: Twixt nine and ten, sayest thou?

Quickly: No, eight and nine, sir.

Falstaff: Well, be gone.

I will not fail her.

Quickly: Peace be with you, sir.

Falstaff: Yeah peace with you.

I marvel I hear not of Master Brook.

He sent me word to stay within.

I like his money well.

Ford: Sir John!

Falstaff: Oh by the mass, here he comes.

Ford: God save you, sir.

Falstaff: Now, Master Brook.

You come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife?

Ford: That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Falstaff: I will not lie to you, Master Brook.

I was at the house at the hour she appointed me.

Ford: And how sped you, sir?

Falstaff: Very ill-favorably, Master Brook.

Ford: Yes but how so, sir?

Did she change her determination?

Falstaff: No, no Master Brook but the peaking cornuto, her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter.

After we had embraced, and kissed, and protested, and as it were, spoke a prologue of our comedy and at his heels, a rabble of his companions.

Thither provoked and instigated by his distemper to search his house for his wife's love.

Both: Whaaaat?

(laughter) Ford: While you were there?

Falstaff: While I was there.

Ford: Did he search for you and he could not find you?

Falstaff: You shall hear.

(snorting laughter) (laughter) As luck would have it, comes in one Mrs.

Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach and in her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

(laughter) Ford: A buck-basket?

Falstaff: A buck-basket!

Rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks and socks and foul stockings, and greasy napkins.

Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.

Ford: And how long lay you there, sir?

Falstaff: Nay, nay you shall hear.

How I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.

Being thus crammed into the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane.

They took me on their shoulders, met the jealous rascally knave their master at the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in the basket!

Well I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would of searched it, but fate (snorting) ordaining that he should be a cuckold, held his hand.

So away went he for a search and I went on for foul clothes.

But mark the sequel, Master Brook, I have suffered the pangs of three several deaths.

First, an intolerable fright to be detected by a jealous rotten bellwether.

Next, to be compassed like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head, and then, to be stopped in like a strong distillation with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease.

Think of that.

(laughter) A man of my kidney.

Think of that, that am the subject to heat as butter.

A man of continual dissolution and thaw.

It was a miracle to 'scape suffocation.

And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge like a horseshoe.

Well think of that.

(laughter) Hissing hot.

Think of that, Master Brook.

(laughter) Think of that.

(shouting) (laughter) Ford: In good sadness, sir I'm very sorry that for my sake you have suffered all of this.

My suit, then, is desperate and you'll undertake her no more.

Falstaff: Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I shall leave her thus.

(snorting) (laughter) Her husband this morning is gone a-birding.

I received another embassy of meeting from her.

Both: Aaaaaaahh!

Falstaff: Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

Ford: It's past eight already, sir.

Falstaff: Is it?

I will then address me to my appointment.

Oh good come you to me at your earliest convenience and you shall know how I speed and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her.

Oh Master Brook, you shall have her, Master Brook.

Oh Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford, Master Brook.

(audience laughter) (audience laughter) (applause) Ford: Is this a dream?

(audience laughter) Is this is a vision?

Do I sleep?

Awake, Mr. Ford, awake.

There's a hole made in your best coat, Mr. Ford.

This tis to be married.

This tis to have linen and buck-baskets.

Well, I will now proclaim me what I am and I will now take the lecher.

He is at my house.

He cannot escape me, he cannot creep into a haypenny purse nor into a pepper box.

But lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places.

Though what I am I cannot avoid.

Yet to be what I would shall not make me tame.

(laughter) Aaaaaahhh!

If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me.

I'll be horn mad!

♪ (upbeat rock music) (applause) ♪♪ Girl: Marco!

Kids: Polo!

♪♪ Girl: Tag, you're it.

(laughing) Miss Page: Is Falstaff at the Ford's already?

Sure he is by now or will be presently.

But truthly, he was very courageous mad about his throwing into the water.

(laughing) Evans: Chip chip, come come.

23 skidoo.

Kids: Yay!

Miss Page: Willy, how now?

Parson Hugh, no school today?

Evans: No, Justice Shallow let the children to play.

Quickly: Blessing on his heart for it.

Miss Page: Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world in his books.

I pray you, ask him some questions.

Evans: Oh come, William.

Oh hold up your head, come.

Miss Page: Hold up your head, Willy, answer your teacher.

Be not afraid.

Evan: What is lapis, William?

A stone.

And what is a stone, William?

Quickly: A pebble.

William: A pebble.

(laughter) Evans: No, it is lapis.

I pray you remember in your brain.

William: Lapis.

Evans: That is a good William.

What is he, William, that does lend articles?

Quickly: Oh, oh, oh.

(laughter) A pawn broker.

Williams: Articles are borrowed of the pronoun and be thus declined.

Singulariter nominativo hic, haec, hoc.

Evans: Nominativo, hic, haec, hoc, yeah.

Pray you, mark.

Genitivo hujus.

Well, what is your accusative case?

William: Accusativo hinc?

Evans: I pray you have your remembrance, child.

Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.

Quickly: Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

(laughter) Evans: Leave your prabbles, woman.

What is the focative case, William?

Quickly: Focative?

O-vocative o?

Evans: Remember, William, focative is caret.

Quickly: And that's a good root.

Evans: Oh forbear.

Miss Page: Peace.

Evans: What is your genitive case plural, William?

William: Genitive case?

Evans: Ay.

Genitiveo horum, harum, horum.

Quickly: Vengeance of Jenny's case!

Never name name her child, if she be a whore.

Evans: For shame, woman.

Quickly: You do ill to teach the child such words.

Evans: Woman, art thou lunatics?

Quickly: He teaches him to hick, to hack.

Which they'll do fast enough of themselves and to call whore em?

Evans: Hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders?

Quickly: Fie upon you!

Evans: Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desire.

Miss Page: Prithee hold thy peace.

He's a better scholar than I thought he was.

Evans: He is a good sprag memory.

Fare you well, Mrs.

Page.

Miss Page: Adieu, good Parson Hugh.

Run along, Willy.

Quickly: Oh, Mrs. Ford desires you to come to her presently.

Miss Page: I forgot!

I'll be with her by and by.

Pistol: Nel!

♪ You're magic ♪ I'm under your spell ♪ It's tragic ♪ I was surprised that I fell ♪ Look what you've done to me ♪ You're moon and sun to me ♪ And every star above us ♪ You're magic ♪ Cause alakazam I'm in love Falstaff: Mrs. Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance.

I see you are obsequious in your love and I profess requital to a hair's breadth, not only, Mrs. Ford, in the simple office of love but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony of it.

But are you sure of your husband now?

Miss Ford: He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

Falstaff: A-birding!

Miss Page: What, ho?

Gossip Ford, what ho?

Falstaff: Closet?

Miss Ford: Closet.

(audience laughter) Miss Page: How now, sweetheart?

Who's at home besides yourself?

Miss Ford: Why, none but mine own people.

Miss Page: Indeed?

Miss Ford: No, certainly.

(whispers) Speak louder.

Miss Page: Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here!

(audience laughter) Miss Ford: Why?

Miss Page: Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines again and so rails against all married mankind that any madness I ever yet beheld seems but tameness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in now.

I'm glad the fat knight is not here.

Miss Ford: Why, does he talk of him?

Miss Page: Of none but him and swears he was carried out the last time he searched for him, in a basket!

Protests to my husband he is now here and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport to make another experiment of his suspicion.

But I'm glad the fat knight is not here!

Now your husband shall see his own foolery.

Miss Ford: How near is he, Mrs.

Page?

Miss Page: Hard by street end, he'll be here soon.

Miss Ford: I am undone, the knight is here.

Why then you're utterly shamed and he's but a dead man.

Whoo, what a woman are you?

(audience laughter) Away with him, away with him.

Better shame than murder.

Miss Ford: Which way should he go?

Shall I put him in the basket again?

Falstaff: No, no!

No, no more in the basket.

May I not go out ere he come?

Miss Page: Alas, three of Mr. Ford's brothers are watching the door with pistols.

Falstaff: What shall I do?

Oh I'll creep up into the chimney.

Miss Ford: There they always use to discharge their birding pieces.

Miss Page: Creep into the lime kiln.

Falstaff: Where is it?

Miss Ford: He will seek there, on my word.

Neither chest, trunk, well, vault, but he has a list for the remembrance of such places.

There is no hiding you in the house.

Falstaff: I'll go out then.

Miss Page: If you go out in your own semblance, Sir John, you die.

Miss Page: Unless you go out disguised.

Miss Ford: How might we disguise him?

Miss Page: Alas the day, I know not.

There's no woman's dress big enough for him.

Otherwise he might put on a hat, a scarf, and a kerchief and so escape.

Falstaff: Oh good hearts.

Good hearts, devise something.

Anything rather than a mischief.

Miss Ford: My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brantford, has a dress in my closet.

Miss Page: On my word, it will serve him.

She's as big as he is and there's her thrummed hat and her scarf, too.

Run in, Sir John.

Miss Ford: Go, go sweet, Sir John.

Mrs.

Page and I will look some linen for your head.

Miss Page: Quick, quick.

We'll come dress you straight.

(audience laughter) Miss Ford: I would my husband would meet him in this shape.

He cannot abide the old woman of Brantford.

He swears she's a witch.

Forbade her my house and threatened to beat her.

Miss Page: Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel and the devil his cudgel afterwards.

Miss Ford: But is my husband coming?

Miss Page: Ay, in good sadness is he and talks of the basket, too.

Howsoever he has had intelligence.

Miss Ford: We'll try that, for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again and meet him at the door with it as they did last time.

Miss Page: Nay, but he'll be here presently.

Let's go dress him.

Miss Ford: I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket.

Go in, I'll bring linen for him straight.

Miss Page: Hang him, dishonest varlet.

We cannot misuse him enough.

(audience laughter) We'll leave a proof by that which we will do.

Wives may be merry and yet honest, too.

Miss Ford: Go, sirs, take this basket again.

Your master is hard at door.

If he bids you set it down, obey him.

(audience laughter) Quickly, dispatch.

(man sobbing) (audience laughter) John: Come come, take it up.

Robert: Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

I hope not.

I'd rather bear so much lead.

(audience laughter) One.

(heavy breathing) Two.

- No!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Ready and three!

(shouting) Ford: Ay true true, Mr.

Page.

Have you any other way but to unfool me again?

Ah hah ha!

Set down the basket, villains!

(audience applause) Somebody call my wife!

(laughing) Youth in a basket.

O you pandering rascals, there is a gin, a knot, a pack, a conspiracy against me.

Now shall the devil be shammed.

What, wife, come forth, I say.

See what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.

Page: Why, this passes, Mr. Ford.

You are not to go loose any longer.

You must be pinioned.

Evans: Why this is lunatics.

This is mad as a mad dog.

Shallow: Indeed, Mr. Ford, this is not well, indeed.

Ford: So say I too, sir.

Come hither, Mrs. Ford.

(laughs) Mrs. Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife.

The virtuous creature that hath a jealous fool to her husband.

I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

Miss Ford: You do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

(audience laughter) Ha ha ha!

Ford: Well said, brazen face.

Hold it out.

All right.

(chanting) Come forth, sirrah!

Page: This passes.

Are you not ashamed?

Let the clothes alone.

Ford: I shall find you anon.

Evans: 'Tis unreasonable.

Will you take up your wife's clothes?

Come away.

Ford: Empty the basket, I say.

Page: Why, man, why?

Ford: Page, as I am a man, there was one carried out of my house the other day in this basket.

So why may not he be there again?

In my house I'm sure he is.

My intelligence is true and my jealousy is reasonable!

(audience laughter) Pluck me out all the linen.

Miss Ford: If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.

Page: Here's no man.

Shallow: By my fidelity, this is not well.

Mr. Ford, this wrongs you.

Evans: Mr. Ford.

You must pray and not follow the imaginations of your own heart.

(applause) This is jealousies.

Ford: Yeah, he's not here that I.

(audience laughter) Page: No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

Ford: Help me search the house once more.

If I find not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.

Help me search once more, once more, search with me.

Miss Ford: Mrs.

Page, come in.

And the old woman, too.

Ford: Old woman?

What old woman's that?

Miss Ford: Why it is my maid's aunt of Brantford.

Ford: A witch, a bawd, an old cheating queen.

Have I not forbid her in my house?

She comes on errands, does she?

We are simple men.

We know not what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune telling, huh?

She works by spells, by charms beyond our element.

We know nothing.

Come forth, you hag.

(audience laughter) Come forth, I say.

Miss Ford: Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.

Miss Page: Come, Mother Prat, come, give me your hand.

(overlapping shouting) (audience laughter) (overlapping shouting) (crack) (shout) Ford: Ah ha!

Miss Page: Are you not ashamed?

I think you killed the poor woman.

Miss Ford: This does you much credit.

Ford: Hang her, witch.

Evan: I think the woman is a witch, indeed.

I like not when a woman has great whiskers.

I spy a great beard under her bonnet.

(laughter) Ford: Follow me, gentlemen.

I beseech you, follow me.

See but the issue of my jealousy.

If I cry out upon no travail, never trust me when I open again.

Page: Come, gentlemen.

Let's obey his humors a little further.

(audience laughter) (laughing) Miss Page: By my troth, he beat him most pitifully.

Miss Ford: Nay, that he did not.

He beat him most unpitifully.

What think you?

May we pursue him with any further revenge?

Miss Page: The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him.

He will never, I think, attempt us again.

Miss Ford: Meg, shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

Miss Page: Yes, by all means.

If it be but to scrape the idea out of your husband's brains.

Miss Ford: I'll warrant they'll have the knight publicly shamed and I think there would be no period to the jest should he not be publicly shamed.

Miss Page: Come to the forge with it, then shape it, I would not have things cool.

Miss Ford: How shall we begin?

Miss Page: Shall we show them the letters?

Miss Ford: You carry yours and I'll carry mine.

(cheers) (audience applause) Bardolph: My hostess!

My host, oh.

The Germans desire to go riding with three of your horses.

Hostess: Let me speak with the gentlemen.

They speak English?

Bardolph: Ay, ma'am.

I'll bring you to them.

Hostess: They shall have my horses but I'll make them pay.

I'll sauce them.

They have had my house a week at command.

I have had to turn away my other guests.

They must come off.

I'll sauce them.

(laughing) ♪ (soft playful music) ♪♪ (laughing) Evans: 'Tis one of the best discrections of a woman as ever I did look upon.

Page: And did he send both these letters at an instant?

Miss Page: Within a quarter of an hour.

(laughing) (audience laughter) Ford: Pardon me, Alice.

Henceforth do what thou wilt.

I rather will suspect the sun with cold than thee with wantonness.

Now doth thy honor lie in him that was of late and heretic, as firm as faith.

(laughter) Page: Tis well, 'tis well no more, huh?

Be not as extreme in submission as in offense.

But let our plot go forward.

Let our wives yet once again to make us public sport.

Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

Ford: There's no better way than that they spoke of.

Page: How?

How, to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight?

No, fie, fie.

He'll never come.

Evans: You say he's been thrown in the rivers and he's been grievously beaten as an old woman.

Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come.

Page: So think I, too.

Miss Ford: Devise but how you'll use him when he comes and let us two devise to bring him thither.

(booming thunder) Miss Page: There's an old tale goes that Herne the hunter, sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, Doth all the autumn at still midnight walk round about an oak with great ragged horns and there he blasts the trees and takes the cattle and makes milk cows yield blood and shakes a chain in a most hideous and dreadful manner.

Page: Why, there are many that do fear in deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak.

But what of this?

Miss Ford: Marry, this is our device.

That Falstaff at the oak shall meet with us, disguised like Herne.

With huge horns on his head.

(laughing) Page: Well let it not be doubted but he'll come and in this shape but when you have brought him tither, what is your plot?

What shall be done with him?

Miss Page: That, likewise, have we thought upon and thus, Nan my daughter, and my little son, and three or four more of their friends will dress as goblins, oafs, fairies, green and white, upon a sudden, when Falstaff she and I are newly met, let them then rush to encircle him about and goblin like pinch the unclean knight and ask him why that hour of fairy revel, in their so sacred paths, he dares to tread in shape profane.

Miss Ford: And till he tell the truth.

Let the supposed goblins pinch him sound.

Miss Page: The truth being known we'll all present ourselves, dis horn the spirit and mock him home.

(laughs) Ford: The children must be well practiced to it or they'll never do it.

Evans: I would teach the children their behaviors and I will be like a jackanapes also, to pinch the knight very soundly.

Ford: That will be excellent.

I'll go buy them vizards.

Miss Page: My daughter Nan will be queen of all the spirits this Halloween night, finely attired in a robe of white.

Page: That silk will I go buy and in that time shall Master Slender steal my Nan away and marry her at Eton.

Go, send to Falstaff straight.

Ford: Nay, I'll to him again in the name of Brook.

He'll tell me all his purpose.

Sure he'll come.

Miss Page: Fear not you that.

Go get us properties and costumes for our fairies.

Evans: Yes, let us about it.

It is admirable pleasures and very honest knaveries.

(laughing) Miss Page: Miss Quickly, go to Sir John to know his mind.

Go, Alice.

Miss Ford: Yes.

Miss Page: I'll to Doctor Caius.

He hath my good will and none but he to marry with Nan Page.

That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot (audience laughter) and he my husband best of all affects.

The doctor is well moneyed and his friends potent at court.

He, none but he shall wed her.

Though 20 thousand worthier come to crave her.

(men singing drinking songs) (panting) Falstaff: If it should come to the ear of the town how I've been transformed and how my transformation has been washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me.

I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were crest fallen as a dried pear.

Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers I would repent.

Bardolph: Thieves!

Thieves!

Hostess: Where be my horses?

Bardolph: Run away with the Germans.

For so soon as I came beyond the town, they threw me off from behind one of them and set spurs and away, like three German devils.

Hostess: They are but gone to ride with the German Duke, villain.

Do not say they be fled.

Germans are honest men.

Evans: Where is mine hostess?

Hostess: What is the matter, sir?

Evans: Have a care of your entertainment.

There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three Germans that has cozened all the hosts of the county of horses and money.

I tell you for good will, look you, for you are wise and full of gibes and tis not convenient you should be cozened.

(ding) Fare you well.

Caius: Vere is mine hostess of the Jarteer?

Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

Caius: Cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make a grand perpetration for Duke de Germany.

By my trot, der is no Duke that the court is known to come.

I tell you for good will.

(ding) Adieu.

(laughter) Hostess: There is no Duke?

I am undone.

I am cozened.

Villain, go, hue and cry.

I am undone.

Thieves!

Bardolph: Thieves!

Hostess: Thieves!

Bardolph: Thieves!

Oh Thieves!

Falstaff: I would all the world might be cozened for I have been cozened and beaten, too.

Quickly: Sir John.

Falstaff: Now, whence come you?

Quickly: From the two parties, forsooth.

Falstaff: Well the devil take one party and his damn the other, and so they shall be both bestowed.

I have suffered more for their sakes.

More than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.

Quickly: And have not they suffered?

Yes, I warrant you, speciously one of them, Mrs. Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue.

Falstaff: Well what tellest thou me of black and blue?

I've been beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow and like to be apprehended for the fat witch of Brantford.

But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me.

Quickly: Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber, you shall hear things go and I warrant, to your content.

Falstaff: Come on, come up to my chamber.

Hostess: Master Fenton talk not to me.

My mind is heavy, I will give over all.

Fenton: Yet hear me speak, assist me in my purpose and I'll give you a thousand dollars cash more than your loss.

Hostess: I will hear you, Master Fenton and I will at the least keep your counsel.

Fenton: From time to time I have acquainted you with the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page.

Who mutually has answered my affections even to my wish.

How, good mine, Hostess, tonight at Herne's okay, just twixt 12 and one must my sweet Nan dress for Halloween.

Her father hath ordered that all in white she slip away with Slender and with him at Eton immediately marry.

She has consented.

Now, ma'am her mother, ever firm against that match and strong for Dr. Caius, has appointed that quaint in green she be loose robed.

The doctor shall likewise shuffle her away and at the deanery where a priest attends, straight marry her and Nan hath consented to go with him.

Hostess: Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

Fenton: Both, my good hostess, to go along with me and here it lies.

That you'll procure for me a vicar to stay at church between 12 and one and in the lawful name of marrying, give our hearts united ceremony.

Hostess: Well.

Husband your device.

I'll to the vicar bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

Fenton: So shall I evermore be bound to thee.

Besides, I'll make a present recompense.

Come on.

(laughing) Falstaff: I prithee, no more prattling.

Go, I'll hold.

This is the third time.

I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.

(laughter) Go away, away.

They say there is divinity in odd numbers.

Either in nativity, chance, or death.

Away, away.

Quickly: I'll provide you a chain and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.

Falstaff: Away, time wears.

Hold up your head and mince.

Ford: Sir John.

Falstaff: Oh, Master Brook.

Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight or never.

Be you in the park about midnight at Herne's oak and you shall see wonders.

Ford: Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

Falstaff: Master Brook, I went to her as you see, like a poor old man but I came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman.

That same knave Ford hath the finest mad devil of jealously in him, Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy.

I tell you, he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman for in the shape of a man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath.

(shouting) (laughter) Follow me, I'll tell thee strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged and I will deliver his wife into your hand.

Follow me.

Strange things in hand, Master Brook.

Strange things.

(booming thunder) Miss Ford: Where is Nan now and her troop of goblins and the Welsh devil Hugh?

Miss Page: At Herne's oak with obscured light which at the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting they will at once display to the night.

Miss Ford: The hour draws on.

To the oak.

Miss Page: To the oak.

Miss Ford: To the oak!

Page: Come, come.

We'll couch and prepare for Herne the Hunter till we see the lights of our fairies.

Now remember, son Slender, my daughter.

Slender: Ay, sir, forsooth.

(laughter) I have spoke with her and we have a code word how to know one another.

I come to her in white, and cry mum, she cries budget, and by that we know one another.

Shallow: That's good too, but what needs either your mum or her budget?

The white will decipher her well enough.

Oh it is past eleven.

Page: Oh the night is dark.

Lights and spirits become it will.

No man means evil but the devil and we shall know him by his horns.

Slender: Listen.

(eerie music) (laughing) (screams) Miss Page: Oh Doctor Caius, my daughter is in green.

When you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery and dispatch it quickly.

Caius: I know vat I have to do.

Adieu.

Miss Page: May you do fair well, sir.

My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter.

But tis no matter, better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak.

(eerie shouting and wailing) Evans: Trib, trib goblins come and remember your parts.

Be bold, I pray you.

Now follow me into the pit and when I give the watch words, do as I bid you.

Come come, trib, trib.

(bell tolling) (thunder crashes) (laughter) Falstaff: The Windsor bell hath struck twelve.

The minute draws on.

Oh now the hot blooded gods assist me.

Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa.

Love set on thy horns.

Oh powerful love, that in some respects make a beast a man and in some others a man a beast.

(laughter) Yeah, you know what I mean.

(audience laughter) Remember also, Jupiter, thou was a swan for the love of Leda.

Oh when gods have hot backs, what are poor men to do?

For me, I am here a Windsor stag and the fattest, me thinks, in the forest.

Send me a cool rut time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?

Mrs Ford: Sir John?

Falstaff: Oh who comes here?

My doe?

Miss Ford: Sir John, art thou there?

(audience laughter) My deer, my male deer.

Falstaff: Oh my doe with the sweet scut.

Now let the sky rain potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of Greensleves.

Hail kissing comfits and snow eryngoes.

Let there come a tempest of provocation.

I will shelter me here.

Miss Ford: Mrs.

Page has come with me, sweetheart.

Falstaff: Mrs.

Page.

Mrs. Ford.

Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch.

(laughing) My sides I will keep to myself and my horns I bequeath thy husbands.

Am I a woodman, huh?

Speak I like Herne the hunter?

Was I am a true spirit?

Welcome.

Miss Page: Alas, what noise?

Miss Ford: Heaven forgive our sins.

Falstaff: What should this be?

♪ (eerie wailing music) Miss Ford/Miss Page: Away, away.

Falstaff: I think the devil would not have me damned.

Lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire.

(eerie howling) Miss Quickly: Goblins black, gray, green, and white, moonshine revelers and shades of night, crier hobgoblin make the fairy noise.

Pistol: Elves, list your names.

(children shout) Silence, you airy toys.

Falstaff: There are demon fairies.

He that looks on them shall die.

I'll wink and couch.

No man their works must eye.

Miss Quickly: About, about.

Away, disperse.

But till tis one o'clock.

Our dance of custom round about the oak of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

Evans: Go demons, lock hand in hand.

Yourselves in order set and twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be to guide our measure round about the tree.

But stay, I smell a man of middle earth.

Falstaff: Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy.

(laughing) Lest he transform me into a piece of cheese.

Pistol: Vile worm, thou wast bewitched.

Even in thy birth.

Miss Quickly: With trial fire touch me his nether-end.

If he be chaste, the flame will back descend and turn him to no pain.

But if he start, it is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

Pistol: A trial, come.

Evans: Come, will this wood take fire?

(laughing) Miss Quickly: Corrupt, corrupt and tainted in desire!

(eerie horror music) (shouts) About him goblins, sing a scornful rhyme and as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

Slender: Don't go walking past the cemetery late at night when the wind is howling and the moon is bright cause lurking in the shadows is a terrible sight.

He'll grab you by the ankles and he'll hang on tight.

♪ Its the shawla wawla dawble ♪ Shawla wawla dawble ♪ The shawla wawla dawble ♪ Shawla wawla dawble ♪ The shawla wawla dawble watcha gonna do ♪ ♪ When the shawla wawla dawble is a coming for you ♪ ♪ The only way to stop him is to bop him on the nose ♪ ♪ Then ya bump him and ya thump him ♪ ♪ And you jump on his toes ♪ You pinch him and you burn him ♪ ♪ And you turn him all about ♪ You light him like a candle ♪ Then you blow him out ♪ (upbeat 50s swing music) ♪♪ (shouting) ♪♪ ♪ (upbeat 50s swing music) ♪♪ ♪ It's the shawla wawla dawble ♪ Shawla wawla dawble ♪ The shawla wawla dawble ♪ Shawla wawla dawble ♪ The shawla wawla dawble watcha gonna do ♪ ♪ When the shawla wawla dawble is coming for you ♪ (thunder booms) Page: Nay, do not fly.

We have watched you now.

Miss Page: I pray you come, hold up the jest no higher.

Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

Mrs Ford: See you these, husband?

Do not these fair horns become the forest better than the town?

Ford: Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?

(laughter) Falstaff's a knave, Mr. Brook, a cuckoldly knave.

Here are his horns, Mr. Brook and Mr. Brook he hath received nothing of Ford's but his buck basket, his cudgel, and two thousand dollars of his money, which must be paid back to Mr. Brook.

Miss Ford: Sir John, we have had ill luck.

We could never meet.

I will never take you for my love again but I will always count you my deer.

(audience laughter) Falstaff: I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

(audience laughter) Ford: Ay, and an ox, too.

(laughing) Falstaff: And these are not fairies?

I was three or four times in the thought they were not fairies and yet the sudden guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers drove me into the belief that despite all rhyme and reason that they were fairies.

Oh, no.

(shouts) (screaming) See now how wit can be made a jack a lent when tis upon (shouts) ill employment?

Evans: Sir John Falstaff.

(shouts) Serve god and leave your desires, and fairies will not pinch you.

Ford: Well said, Fairy Hugh.

Evans: And you leave your jealousies too, I pray you.

Ford: I will never mistrust my wife again.

Till thou art able to woo her in good English.

(laughing) Falstaff: Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it that it wants matter to prevent so gross or reaching as this?

Am I ridden with a Welsh goat, too?

Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese.

Evans: Yeah but cheese is not so good to give butter and your belly is all butter.

(laughter) Falstaff: Seasoned butter, well I am your theme.

You have the start of me.

I'm dejected.

Use me as you will.

Page: Yet be cheerful, knight.

Drink a nightcap tonight at my house and laugh at my wife that now laughs at thee.

Tell her Master Slender hath married her daughter.

Miss Page: Doctors doubt that.

If Anne Page be my daughter, she is by this, Doctor Caius' wife.

Slender: Whoa, ho!

Oh Father Page.

Page: Why how now, son?

Son how now, have you dispatched?

Dispatched?

Slender: Would I were hanged, la, else.

Page: Of what, son?

Slender: Well I went yonder to marry Miss Anne Page and she's a great lubberly boy.

(laughing) If it had not been in the church, I would of swinged him.

Or he should have swinged me.

And 'tis the postmasters boy.

Page: Upon my life, then you took the wrong.

Slender: What need you tell me that?

I think so, when I take a boy for a girl.

Page: Did I not tell you how you should known my daughter by her garments?

Slender: I went to her in white and cried mum, she cried budget, as Anne and I had appointed and yet it was not Anne.

It was the postmasters boy.

Miss Page: Good George, be not angry.

I knew your purpose.

Turned my daughter into green and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery and there married.

Caius: Vere is Mrs.

Page?

My dear, I am cozened.

I am married un garcon, a boy, un paysan, by gar.

A boy it is, not Anne Page.

By gar, I am cozened!

Miss Page: What?

Caius: Tis a boy!

By gar, I'll raise all Windsor.

(audience laughter) Ford: This is strange.

Who hath got the right Anne?

(man clears throat) Page: My heart misgives.

Here comes Master Fenton.

How now, Fenton?

Anne: Pardon, good father, good my mother, pardon.

Page: Now miss, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

Miss Page: Why went you not with the doctor, Anne?

Anne: You would of married me most shamefully.

Where there was no proportion held in love.

Fenton: You do amaze them, hear the truth of it.

(laughter) Anne: The truth is, he and I, long since contracted are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.

And therein, I do avoid the pain which forced marriage would have brought upon us.

Miss Ford: Stand not amazed, here is no remedy.

Ford: In love the heavens themselves do guide the state.

Money buys lands, but wives are the gift of fate.

Falstaff: I am glad, though you have taken a special stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.

Page: Well, what remedy?

Fenton.

God give thee joy.

What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.

Falstaff: When night dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.

Miss Page: Well, I will muse no further.

Mr. Fenton.

God give you many, many merry days!

(laughing) Fenton: Thank you so much.

Thank you.

(cheering) (shouting) (cheering) Good husband, let us everyone go home and laugh this sport o'er a country fire.

Sir John and all.

(cheering) Miss Ford: Let it be so.

Sir John, to Master Brook you yet shall hold your word.

For he tonight shall lie with Mrs. Ford.

♪ (soft romantic music) (audience applause) Falstaff: Let's go.

Come on, let's go get them.

Let's go throw snowballs at them.

Come on.

(audience applause) ♪ (upbeat dance music) (audience applause) ♪♪ (loud cheering) (loud applause) ♪♪ (audience applause) ♪♪